To Blog or not to blog that is the question?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 4:15PM

Shakespeare Said, "To be or not to be, That is the question."

I don't know how it is for you? But I do know how it is for me!
....I've always believed that if one door shuts, then another one opens...The trick is....Discerning the difference between God closing a door in your life, or being hindered and attacked by the enemy.

...That particular question I'm afraid is not so easily answered.

...It also works in the opposite direction. Did God Open this Door for me because this is the path that He would have me follow? Or Is this some kind of deceitful trick that appears to be right and very attractive but in fact, it is a pathway that leads to misery frustration and failure.

Throughout most of my life it seems that it was a natural gift that God had given me to be generous, giving, hospitable. It always came easily to me to reach out and to share. Anyone that knows me, knows that this is absolutely true, but the Bible warns us not to toot our own horn. Don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing because if you do....then you have your reward....And then there is the "Golden Rule"
....."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!"

On the other hand, it was always very difficult for me to have that shoe on the other foot....That is, it was hard to be on the receiving end of anothers generosity, even though admittedly I have been there fairly often.

Pride is a deadly sin and probably one of those 7 deadly sins that vexes me the most. In otherwords, my pride has done me grievious harm the majority of my life. And again, Anyone that knows me, knows this to be absolutely true... again.

.....Why is that? Why is it so hard to receive when you know how much joy that one finds in the giving?

It must drive God mad watching us humans, the most beloved of all His creations always filled with such contradictions and stubborness in our lives.

One of the most dreaded of all my duties and most distasteful to me as a Minister was in the asking of money, or passing the offering plate. I don't know why I disliked it so much. I rarely preached on it even though there is so much in the Bible taught about the joys and necessities of giving.

Truly it is more blessed to give than to receive.

What to do? What to do?

God recently... at least I believed it to be God....Shut the door on my source of income. I can no longer conduct the business of delivering big ticket items that people purchase on the internet because after 300,000 miles, my trucks transmission is worn out and I no longer have the means to get from Point A to Point B and thereby earn enough money to not only conduct business but also operate at a profit and thereby pay the bills. That door seemingly has been shut.
I have not had the money to repair or replace my truck as of this date.

My truck is currently at a friends who is a mechanic but for whatever reason, he has not repaired it yet, so here I am, Dead in the water so to speak.

...Was this the sovereign, providential hand of God, or the thieving destructive, hateful work of our adversary who devotes an enormous amount of time and energy opposing us at every turn?

One door closes, another door opens.

...For the last four months I have had to be in the unenvyable position of having to trust God to provide for the most basic needs of my family. And miraculously time after time God comes through with just enough with very little left over. ...Praise God!

Today I've been made aware that I have until the 23rd of April to come up with a substantial amount of money for the phone bill or I lose not only my phone service, but also my internet service, and if I lose my internet service, then I also lose my ministry of testyfying and preaching as it were on this Blog website.

At this point I will employ a strategy that I have used in the past and not only I but Gideon comes to mind....Maybe some of you know the story of Gideons fleece? Or maybe not, and if not....Then look it up if you've a mind to.

And what is this fleece that I'm to lay before The Lord?

Heavenly Father....If you wish me to continue with this type of ministry then I'm going to trust that you will somehow provide just the amount necessary or intervene in some other way that I may continue to have this particular avenue open to me.

It matters not to me how you do it and I will not presume to inumerate a variety of ways for this to happen. Suffice it to say that I will be willing to move in whatever direction or walk through whatever door you choose to open.

Please pray for me that I may be able to discern what is that good and acceptable perfect will of God for my life.


Be Well & Be Blessed In The Beloved

Michael

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!! Can I get a Witness?

Ephesians 5:20 -
...."Giving thanks always, for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;

Phillipians 4:11 - 13 & Verse 19 -
...."Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, In whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
...."I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."
...."I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

V-19...."But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus."

.... Two things I need to share with you today, even though they are a departure of the telling of my never ending story.

....The first being testimony again of how my heavenly Father has once again met a need in our families lives.

....I may have mentioned in a previous post how Beth had to travel a few weeks ago to Augusta Georgia, Where Michael II, being in the Army is stationed there. His wife Jess, and Michael III (I Nick named him 3peat) are living there with him also until he gets deployed to the Middle East. Anyways, Michael had left his car here when they were here on leave between Duty Stations. After Basic training, Michael was stationed at Good Fellow Air force Base In San Angelo Texas Where he had to under go some additional training for his Military Intelligence MOS. His permanent Duty Station is at Fort Gordon in Augusta Georgia.

Anyways while Michael was here on leave they purchased another Vehicle. A SUV and on the day they left, their was a bad snow storm and they decided to all pile into the New Explorer and left their Chevy Cobalt here. The circumstances came up and they needed their Car and Momma got picked to be the one to deliver it for them. As much as I would have liked to have gone with her, I needed to stay behind and take care of my Mother. We have been providing Health care for her for about 4 years now and I felt that it was more important for momma to go spend time with her grandson and very pregnant Daughter In Law and her Baby Boy of course. She went I stayed behind.

As you have well heard...That is, if you have been following my Blog as it is called, We have been out of work for about 3 - 4 months now as a result of a very tired and worn out truck. 300,000 miles on this truck and it is in need of some pretty extensive repairs or replacement.
... We no longer believe in buying on credit as the credit trap is all part of an elaborate plan of our enemy to enslave us and suck us into the end time one world money system. I will deal with the Biblical basis for that in the near future so stay tuned. If we don't have the cash for it, we don't buy it.

The fact of the matter is, that maybe God has Shut the door on that Internet Trucking business that we have owned and operated for the last couple of years...And we believe that if God shuts one door, another will be opened to us or another avenue will be revealed. In the meantime, I have to learn to trust that God will somehow provide.
.... I am trying to do that, but I must say that sometimes my faith is not that strong. Especially when the few bills that I have are behind or there's no cash for the current needs.
....I've shared all this to say that God continually proves to me that he is more than able to take care of us whether it is in a style or fashion that I am used to or one that I would prefer??? Now that might be a different story.

...Let me share with you how God makes a way when there doesn't appear to be a way and the lessons we learn from it.

...Just to make along story just a little bit shorter.
....We haven't had the money for Beth to come home and due to circumstances beyond their control, Michael & Jess have not had the money either to send her home. But God today through His unlimited resources and some dear saints who made an incredible personal sacrifice sent enough money down to Georgia today for her to purchase a Bus ticket home and a little left over for food for the 2 day bus ride.

.....This is an awful humbling experience for a man that is used to working very hard to provide for the needs of my family and loved ones. Trusting God in this way has been a tremendous blow to my pride and my personal sense of self worth and usefulness. Any body that really knows me understands how true this is.

....But again I wanted to share this with you, because as much as this might be a blow to my sinful pride it is a blessing that attests to the goodness and the glory of God.

I am out of energy for the moment but I will return in a few after I recharge my batteries with a quick power nap and share with you the other short story that I hope blesses you as much as it did me.

............................Until Then.....................

Tuesday April 15, 2008 11:30AM

I am so sorry it has taken me so long to get back here to finish this posting, but I was stricken with some kind of virus or something and have not felt like writing at all for several days now....I'll finish this post and then hopefully pick back up where I left off previously with my "Never Ending Story"

I came across this story in quite the miraculous fashion as I was taking a walk last Sunday, and found an Envelope on the street. It was unsealed with only the names of James & Judi hand written on the front of it. No last name, address, or any other identifying factors on it.

.....Inside the envelope was a Photocopy of an old Ann Lander's Article from a newspaper. Contained in this article is the following story...

...Elodie Armstrong was a 90 year old lady that had been diagnosed with M.S. 40 years ago at the age of 50. Marge Wisner, is her daughter from Longview Washington. She is the one that had written to Ann Landers.

...Marge describes her mother as a special lady, full of fun, spirituality, and Faith. Her daughter said, that Mom was an inspiration to all that knew her, and that shortly after she was diagnosed with M.S. Mom wrote her own personal 10 commandments. They are as follows.

1. Thou shalt not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shalt not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shalt not cross bridges before you get to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shalt face each problem as it comes. You can handle only one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shalt not take problems to bed with you for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shalt not borrow other people's problems. They can take better care of them than you can.
7. Thou shalt not try and relive yesterday for good or ill - It is gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life today.
8. Thou shalt count thy blessings, never over looking the small ones, for a lot of small ones add up to a big one.
9. Thou shalt be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It's very hard to learn something new when you are talking.
10. Thou shalt not become bogged down by frustration., for 90% of it is rooted in self pity and it will only interfere with positive action.

I am of the firm opinion that very little that happens to us is random or just by happenstance. And so it was when I just happened to find this envelope on the sidewalk with this article in it.
....I don't know if it speaks to you as much as it does me, but, in speaking for myself...It was one of those small blessings that God sometimes sends our way at just the right moment....It certainly lightened my load, I hope it does the same for you.

Your Fellow Traveler

Michael

How To read my story in the proper chronological order!

April 10, 2008 - 12:00 Noon Thursday

......The scriptures admonish us over & over about how we get the victory over our adversary...The Devil, Satan, or Whatever name you want to call him by....There are many names!

....."Always be prepared to give an answer for the Hope that is within us."

....."WE OVERCAME HIM BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, AND THE WORDS OF OUR TESTIMONY!"

....Let me just say this, as a matter of housekeeping so to speak to avoid confusion when trying to follow my story in the proper chronological order, or timeframe.

Start at the bottom of the page. or you can look at the dates that my entries are posted and then work your way up to the top. Let me also encourage you to read the comments that go along with each posting.
....There are a whole lot of good info and maybe some clarification or answers to some of the same questions that may have risen in your own minds as you read.

....My hope and prayer is, that God gets all the glory, and that the readers may find some hope for their own lives as they might identify with some things that may have happened in their own lives, and maybe there might be some insight that you can share with me that may enhance my journey as a fellow traveler as we all are embarking on this incredible journey that we call life for this short time that we have on this incredible planet that God gave us to enjoy and inhabit for this short time.



BLESSINGS UPON YOU & YOURS

MICHAEL

HE KNOWS WHAT WE ARE IN NEED OF!!!

MARCH 8, 2008
TUESDAY NIGHT 11:00PM


.......PHILLIPIANS 4:19 - "BUT MY GOD SHALL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEEDACCORDING TO HIS RICHES IN GLORY BY CHRIST JESUS."...

That verse is not just some cute Bible passage that we like to quote because it makes us feel good, or....its a fairly short passage that makes an easy memory verse.... It is in fact a promise of God!

.....I don't know why we always put so much stock or excitement into sharing and testifying when God meets a financial need, but the fact of the business is...we live in a world unfortunately that requires you to have a source of income in order to survive and get by on a day to day basis.

.....If you don't have no money then you don't have much....Thats a shame isn't it?
.....It is....but it is the reality of the times and culture we live in.

I really want to wax eloquent on this subject and talk about what a crock of horse hockey it is for us to base so much value on the almighty dollar...and the fact of the matter is that I have had a day filled with Tribulations, Tears, and fears, a broken heart, anger, frustration anxiety, and good old fashioned...plain old being PISSED OFF!!!
$$$$$$$ AND HARDLY ANY OF IT HAD TO DO WITH MONEY$$$$$$

One quick story though before I turn in and call it a night...The truth is...I am just emotionally exhausted due to my concern for my Little Sister, I am worried to the point of it being a sin for me to be this worried....But I am....And that is all that I am going to say about that!!!!...For now!

My short Story is this.....I want to shout it from the roof tops, that today....God placed it on someones heart that I needed something and I had no idea that it was coming and really wasn't even focused on that need because of all the turmoil that I was in...
......Guess what....My mother handed me a little white envelope with my name on it!!... After I walked through the door, from my daily walk down town to the Library.
... There was a short note in it, with an amount of cash, that was more than $50.00, and Less than $100.00.
... The note went something like this...
......I've been praying, and asking God, where or to whom was I to make an offering???
... Because I always pray... and God directs me where to give?
... And, I do it in secret!
Because that,... is how the Bible tells us... we ought to do it.

If you can imagine what it is like to have been out of work and out of an income for almost 3 months now and to have the sharks circling sort of speak because they smell blood in the water....And to also know That God has me exactly where he wants me at this time in my life....and the trust and obedience that it requires for me to believe God's promises.....If you can only imagine how blessed I felt and at the same time how ashamed I was for not having the faith and trust to believe.....

............."But my God shall supply all my need according to his riches and glory in Christ Jesus."

Guess what????

"He Knows What We Are In Need Of!!!"


BE WELL

MICHAEL

NEVER ENDING STORY CONTINUED - TESTIMONY

Deuteronomy 23:5b



"........; but the Lord thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the Lord thy God loved thee.







Prologue - That which has come before;



just a brief re-cap... from where I left off last time.




.....I had alot of anger inside me, and it served me well in my struggle to survive,... especially later... when Mom showed up out of the blue one day, and whisked us away to Kalamazoo, Michigan... Her, and Ronny, as we called him in those earl days,..... had gotten married......
and suddenly, We had a step father.





....From this point forward.... my life, and the lives of my sister, and brother,... is going to change in ways that nobody in our family could ever have imagined...Otherwise I have to believe, that somebody would have done... whatever it would have taken, to rescue us somehow,... from the hell on earth, we had just been transported to.



At this point, I feel the necessity... once again, to take care of a little house keeping so to speak...Or in the language of most of us common folk today...And in light of the Liberal's need for "Political Correctness" ...Let me make a C.Y.A.* move, lest I stand accused of being a racist bigot???
.........*Cover Your Ass*......



I suppose , I would have to plead guilty to the charge, in respect to the cultural bias / prejudice, that comes from being raised in a small town, in a briar hopper family, whose heritage leans towards that all too familiar, southern mindset associated with that generation...
...We were Hillbillies,.. Ridge Runners,... whose ancestors, are traced back to the coal mining communities of Kentucky... Rural, Eastern Appalachian Kentucky.


....What in the world am I talking About???


....I guess, there wouldn't have been a whole lot of difference... in comparison to, the culture shock I would have endured...If I had been dropped off on... "The Planet Of The Apes," (No pun intended), rather than being moved from Franklin Ohio, Population 11,000 to Kalamazoo, Michigan, population 50,000 +.


Its not so much, the difference in the size of the towns,... as it is, the demographic differences, the racial makeup, and the socio economic environment,... that came with the territory,... of now being, "Children From A Broken Home."
... A phenomenon that was becoming... far too common place amongst the baby boom generation.
...Just FYI ; "DIVORCE" WAS UNIMAGINABLE, AND UNHEARD OF IN OUR FAMILIES EXPERIENCE AT THAT POINT IN TIME!"...That held true on both sides. No one on Mom's side, or my Dad's side of the family had ever been divorced up until then. We were now, social outcasts...The Black Sheep of the families!

April 6 / 7 2008
2:45AM Sunday Night - Monday Early Morning.

First, Let me apologize for taking so long in getting back to the story....I had no idea, the emotional toll that I was going to have to pay, as I travel back in time to people, places and things.... that I never planned on re-visiting again ever...!!!

And today,.....It hit me light a bolt of lightning, The light bulb appeared above my noggin, just like in the cartoon balloons... Can You Picture that???

....Believe you me, I was just as shocked as you are, and then I was amazed!

WOW , I GET IT!!!

And guess where I was, when I got it?

It was one of the points, in Pastor Al's sermon today......."ACCOUNTABILITY"!

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME,... SINCE I WAS WILLING,... TO PLACE MYSELF, IN A POSITION OF ACCOUNTABILITY!

When I started revealing honestly, all this junk in the trunk, it puts truth... right out on front street, for every one to see...In other words...NO MORE LIES!...NO MORE DECEPTION...

Just Blessed freedom.. It totally, disarms the enemy... from ever, being able to grip my heart, with fear,.... ever again!!
... I don't have to live my life in fear, over what's gonna happen???... If someone finds out??
... It may not be pretty, but it sure is liberating.
... Being accountable, doesn't bring you into bondage...It sets you free,.. to be,.. .YOU!

Wow, what a revelation!

Now lets get back to the story now that we've chewed the fat over that little tid bit of truth.

You see, I really wasn't raised by Archie Bunker types to be out and out racist in my outlook on people of color or those that were different than me. It was real subtle in fact.

You see, the deal is...I was never raised around black folk in my entire life. In fact, There was only one black girl that I had ever gone to school with and that was in the 3rd grade or 4th grade at Carlisle Elementary when I was living at my grandparents, when My Mom and Ronny ran away to Michigan.

I'm guessing now that maybe you are beginning to feel me when I say it was a complete culture shock after Momma came and got us and moved us to Michigan.

...Now I'm living in a neighborhood that has just as many black folks living in it as it has white people. Not only that...I was enrolled in the 4th grade at Roosevelt Elementary and there are way more black students than there are white students.

....The school was only a few blocks from where we lived on Phelps Ave and it was in walking distance. There was no lunch room at Roosevelt so I would walk home every day to eat lunch, and then walk back to school again to finish out the day. Thats two trips to school and two trips home that I walked back and forth every day....In a predominately black neighborhood, going to a predominately black school. I was 10 years old with a very strong southern drawl accent, being the new kid on the block and I was a hillbilly. A term heretofore, that I was not very familiar with. You beginning to get the picture here?

I am not kidding you a lick when I tell you that I literally spent the first two months literally fighting for my life and for survival 4 times a day...On the way to school in the morning, on the way home for lunch, on the way back to school, and then on the way home in the afternoon at the end of the school day.

Well running out of steam here so I'll try to catch a little sleep and get back to this on the morrow...It's 5:00AM

April 9, 2008 Michael II's Birthday (God Bless Our Troops In the Military & Keep them SAFE!!!!) Wednesday 2:45PM

In those early days as a new arrival in our neighborhood and at school, there was a pretty serious learning curve. Life was not the same and never would be the same as it was ever again.

After you realize that, you can then begin to adapt....or be destroyed...I chose ....."WHEN IN ROME, DO AS THE ROMANS DO."

....There was a lot of fat lips, black eyes and bloody noses in those days...But rarely was I, that was wearing them...My tormenters learned real quick that I was no easy mark, or some punk they could just beat down. I got my respect!!!

....I had just been enrolled into the school of hard knocks. I learned my lessons well, and I learned them fast. I still bear many of the scars...not unlike school credits, that I would need and have to accumalate in order to survive... and to graduate from that cruel task master.
... I learned the hard way what that saying meant........."LIFE IS A BITCH...AND THEN YOU DIE!!!!!

....Actually, It wasn't all bad....You already have come to the conclusion I'm sure that it certainly wasn't..."ALL GOOD"...as they say today.
...There was a sense of adventure and exploration that came with this new and very different life that my Brother & Sister and I were thrust into.

...We had new Family members that we came to know and love....Ronnie's Family was from Kalamazoo...I reckon that's how we wound up here, Duh!!

Anyways...There was Grandma Pellowe, Uncle Duane, Aunt Chestine, And Aunt Sheena. Her and her 3 Kids lived next door to us, right there on Phelps Ave., where I spent the majority of my childhood years growing up.

Aunt Sheena's three girls became our 1st cousins. There was Melony, Robin, and Sherry. They are all still a very important part of our lives today. But we will wait until later to go into more detail about them and the awesome Plan that God has had for their lives. Its not "All Good", but its AWESOME!

I guess this is as good a place to end this one as any....I will try and pickup from here next time!

May the power and the Peace Of God, that passes all understanding Rule in Your Hearts Now & Forevermore!

Michael

"AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE PROBLEMS"??? - CHECK THIS OUT!!!

.............."reign over me"..........A Movie Review.............4 stars!

...Consider that this movie has an "All Star Cast".....Adam Sandler - Don Cheadle - Liv Tyler - Jada Pinkett Smith....And....
..."Do you get the Picture?"

Just the mention of Adam Sandler....and we are already thinking....Has to be a great comedy? A real...> ROFLMAO<....KIND OF MOVIE.

WRONG! Albeit, there is a few hysterical moments, This is a real gut wrenching, Heartbreaking, Tear Jerker. It is not appropriate for young kids, and there is some strong profanity in a few of the scenes....The truth is it may offend some of your Christian Sensibilities.

Some of the Comedic Bits have sexual overtones, With that being said, This film has a serious message... It will take a few before you actually get it, and figure out exactly what it is that "CHARLEY FINEMAN" IS DEALING WITH!

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE, ONLY WITH MATURE VIEWERS REMEMBER, and prepare yourself emotionally...Buckle up!

I have to admit, this movie shook me up a little bit. Especially since I have been going through this depression thing I've been sharing with you.

I Don't want to give this movie away for you until you have had an opportunity to see it for yourself.... then I think you might understand better, why I've titled to days writing the way I have?

Maybe not?

I was profoundly touched by this movie, and in the end, all I could say,... "And you think you have Problems???

It is difficult to know sometimes how to reach out to someone that has experienced a devastating Trauma in their lives, but a little love goes a long ways.

I had a pretty rough night and didn't get much sleep so I'll take a break for now, and don't hold it against me at this point for I feel like I'm not doing a very good job at expressing my thoughts at the moment...I'm sure I'll really be doing a lot of editing on this one...Who Knows, I may scrap the whole thing and start over.

....BTW I always try to figure out if God has anything to say about something when it touches so many chords in my heart and soul, especially a movie or a song, and guess what? It Does!.....Think about Job and what he went through before you crawl into your own private pity party and pull the covers up over your head today.


Good long nap.....It's 8:00PM....I proofed the previous text and I'm Happy with it, so we will leave it as is and hopefully have a discussion over the movie, as y'all have a chance to give it a gander!

Please let these passages from Job minister to you....Hopefully, as much as they did to me....

God ministered to my heart this morning from these passages, Thought i would share them with you.......JOB

4:17 "Shall mortal man be more just than God? shall a man be more pure than his maker?"

5:4 "His children are far from safety, and they are crushed in the gate, neither is there any to deliver them."

The remaining verses are excerpts from the 5th chapter....
7-9 "Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward. I would seek unto God, and unto God would I commit my cause: Which doeth great things and unsearchable; marvellous things without number:"

11 "To set up on high those that be low; that those which mourn may be exalted to safety."

16 "So the poor hath hope,...."

17-18 "Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty: For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole."

25 "Thou shalt know also that thy seed shall be great, and thine offspring as the grass of the earth."

27 Lo this, we have searched it, so it is; hear it, and know thou it for thy good."

Job can be pretty heavy, so let me leave you with a couple of my favorite passages from the New Testament.......

Romans 8:18 "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

I Cor.2:9 "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."


Remember this...."It is God's Word that sets us free, "ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" "and if the Son sets you free, Ye shall be free indeed." HALLELUJAH

BE WELL.....BE BLESSED

YOUR SERVANT IN THE BELOVED

Michael

TESTIMONY continued - THE TRUE NEVER ENDING STORY

Monday 3:00PM
March 31, 2008

..............................FROM A BOY TO A MAN.............................

I CORINTHIANS 13:11
.................."When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

.....Maybe I should of thought about inserting a disclaimer a lot earlier in sharing my life story, realizing that if I was to be brutally honest, TRANSPARENT, in the telling that out of necessity....I may be bringing forth revelations that others would rather that I didn't???

.....Even yet, I must interject at this point, that I am in no way motivated by malicious intent, nor to bring harm or injury to those loved or otherwise, whose paths in life are inexorably intertwined with mine.

.....For some folk...the telling will be a happy occasion for they will be lauded as Hero's and others will feel scandalized as villains....After all we live in a culture that prefers to let "Sleeping Dogs" lie.

....Leave the "Skeletons" in the closet, for no one cares to gaze upon the " Raw Guts & Bloody Bones" of our shame and secret past.

....AFTER ALL, WASN'T IT JESUS,??? THAT DECLARED, " ....THE TRUTH SHALL SET US FREE..."

....So there will be no changing of the names to protect the innocent, as none of us are "INNOCENT!"

..."Let every man be a liar, but let god be true."... " Let you who is without sin, cast the first stone."
........"Why callest me thou Good?"... " There is none good, Save for our Father in Heaven." Jesus Himself said. And He lived a perfect, sin free life, no matter what the Heretical Davinci Code implies!
....Our righteousness is nothing but filthy rags...All of the hypocritical, self righteous piety that we can muster will never amount to anything more than a garbage can of bloody filthy disgusting used Sanitary Napkins....
... Bloody Kotex is the honest exegesis of that passage of sacred text!

Hate me if you must, or love me and forgive me if you will...If not, then sue me!!!
............At this junction of my life, and this portion of my journey, I am on a quest to once and for all be free of the demons that have haunted me to the point of my utter destruction, and no hurt or damage, that mortal man might inflict upon my person, will ever compare, or come close to the damage, that I have brought upon myself ...to the cause of my own ruination!!!

Shakespeare said it best I believe.....
............................."TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!"


How any child from our generation survived unscathed, or lived to adulthood, can only be attributed to DIVINE INTERVENTION!
I'm not sure when it was, on my journey... that I lost my INNOCENCE, and became a man, transitioning from being the victim, to becoming the victimizer.
It is also, equally difficult, to discern... if being the one, causes you to become the other.
... Many a criminal trial verdict, is decided upon the knowing of this very thing...Many a jury has been sorely vexed by this question????????

Again, I must say, that I'm not quite sure exactly when it was... that I lost my Innocence....Maybe, when I was at the young, and tender age of 3, when we were visiting my Mamaw & Papaw Bowling's... way back in the hollers of the Appalachian Mountains, Letcher County Kentucky.
My Grandmother's Name was, Alta (Caudill) Bowling, And My Grandfather's name was, Joseph Bowling,

...All of us youngin's had been bedded down together on a pallet of hand sewn quilts on the kitchen floor of this small modest house...Little more than a shack by today's standards.

........Anyways, They lived back in what was once a coal miners camp. That was one of my favorite childhood places to visit.

... Mamaw & Papaw Bowling, had 9 kids, and my daddy was the oldest, 6 boys and 3 girls. Oscar, Otis, Carl Eugene, Mansfield, James Alvin (Cotton), and Chester were the sons. Betty Joe, Loretta, and Vanderue were their Daughters. Loretta was my favorite aunt and she loved me very much, as I did her. She died tragically of brain cancer when she was 18 years old. It was my first experience with death, as well as I can remember,... and I just didn't understand why, my favorite Aunt, was lying in that pretty wooden box at the house, and all the grownups were crying and carrying on.

.... Getting back to my story, ...I remember that night as plain as day, as I well should. After going to bed on that floor surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins, most of us close to the same age, my 5 year old aunt performed oral sex on me and asked me to return the favor. I don't think I was traumatized by it, as I was not brutally forced.
... Actually, as sick as it may sound, I was quite excited, and in my recalling of it over the years, it felt as if it were a pleasant experience. Nothing more than curious innocence.
...It was only after I became an adult and reflected back on it that I am repulsed and horrified at the thought of it. It happened that one time and I actually never thought much more about it.
... How many memories do you retain as a 3 yr. old?

.....Maybe my innocence & childhood was lost between ages 6 thru 9 when I had a variety of different sexual experiences, again mostly with relatives on my mothers side, I especially remember some experiences with a 1st cousin, my Mothers oldest brothers Daughter, She called it playing house or doctor. She said she had watched her Mom & Dad through the bedroom door without them knowing about it.

...It again, was all fairly innocent, even though I had this very bad feeling, that what we was doing, was very naughty, and therefore, we had to make sure, that no one else knew about it, or we would be skinned alive, as they used to say.
... Belts and switches were the preferred methods of corporal punishment, back in the day.... with the very worst and most feared being the Razor Strop...Many a time we were threatened with it, but I don't ever recall it actually being used on me, or anyone else for that matter.
.....The mere mention of it was enough to cause you to near piss yourself.

....I do remember though, that Rita and I did finally get caught, or rather was seen by someone, who said, they seen us with our pants down, with each other.
... All that I remember happening at that age, was fondling, and maybe kissing.
... We were way too young, to know how to do actual intercourse, or penetration.
I can remember a very emotional talking too, I got, and then a severe spanking, with the admonition,... that Rita and I were never to be alone with each other ever again, And we were not....But Oh, How I loved that Girl!

That kind of thing happened on occasion, with some of the neighborhood girls, as well, over that period of three years... between age 6 - 9... and it was always childish curiosity.
... Never was it forced on me, nor did I force it on anyone else,...
....I can say, It helped me realize, how important it is... for us to be extra vigilant with our kids.
... How we, as much as possible,... should make sure, and supervise, and chaperon our children.
... I would never allow my girls, or boys to sleep with members of the opposite sex, even at a very young age.

.....Throughout my childhood, it seemed like there was an ongoing conspiracy... to steal my innocence from me... as I was being forced to grow up through incredibly rough circumstances,
... I'm going to run through,... a calamity of errors,... not unlike, "The Perils of Pauline"

....age 10 - My family is broken,... because my mother said, "She could no longer live with my Father,"... because of marital infidelity.
... She wanted a divorce, my Father did not. Actually, it turned into Several years of battles... back and forth, starting at age 6 or 7.

towards the end at about 10 years old my mother met another man for the second time.... The First man, was a guy named Stan,... whom, I vaguely remember, and he,... supposedly, is the Father of my little Brother Jeffery.
... Mom and Dad reconciled briefly after her pregnancy, and Daddy claimed, and accepted Jeff as his own... Oscar Bowling, My Real Dad, Gave Jeffery his last name.
I was not aware of this until much later in life.

.....The Second Mans name, was Ron Sorrell,... and I'll never forget the night that I was awakened, in the middle of the night,... to raised voices, and a lot of commotion in the living room. I got out of bed, and walked into one of the most traumatic scenes... of my young life.
... My Daddy, was holding a shotgun on Ronny, and my Mom.
Daddy was screaming for Ronny to leave the house, and for him to stay the hell away from his family,... or he was going to kill him...!

....I don't even remember how the situation was diffused... I supposed, that I've somehow blocked it out of my mind!... It was shortly after that.....My Mother, and Father, split up, and we moved to Dayton Ohio, with Ronny, into a small apartment,... in what I remember, to be a ghetto! Where I spent the worst... 3 or 4 months of my life up until that point.
...I started learning about, sneaking out the window, in the middle of the night, to run the streets... in a big, mean city, with a group of older boys... in a loosely formed gang.

Several things stick out in my mind... My Mother, and Ronny went out all the time, and we were left with a babysitter.
...It turned out, that our sitter was the neighborhood whore. And one night, the leader of this gang, in our neighborhood, came over,... and was pressing my babysitter for sex! ... When I stood up for her,... and tried to intervene,...
... He took a kitchen knife out of the drawer, and backed me into a corner, and convinced me... that he was going to kill me!

... I was terrified, crying and begging, for him not to kill me...My babysitter stepped in, and pacified him, by taking him in the bedroom... and giving him what he wanted...
...I'm sure, she saved my life, because he was being egged on... to do me... by several of his cohorts that were there that night as well.

.....I remember also, that for some reason, I didn't have shoes that fit me for almost a month, and there was so much broken glass everywhere in that neighborhood,... that my feet were a bloody mess.

... I don't really remember exactly, how it came about,... other than,.. I remember some of the adults, and families, that lived in our apartment building, began talking, and complaining about how my parents were neglecting us kids!
... and especially being upset over the condition of my feet, and not having any shoes to wear.

... They also, would talk about, how it wasn't right for them to leave us with babysitters all the time,... while they went out drinking, and running around.

....For the first time in my life... I was exposed to a lot of profanity, drinking and loud verbal arguments in our home.
... I had never been exposed to that kind of chaos in my life, and it was especially hard on me, because I felt like I needed to somehow protect my little sister and brother from all of this...But I was completely powerless to do so,

... and then I began to look for trouble myself, sneaking out at night, to run the streets with those boys in the neighborhood...The same ones that had earlier threatened my life.

.....I don't know for certain, but I suspect, that Mom and Ronny, began to come under some kind of scrutiny with the child welfare folks,... and that is how us Kids got dropped off at Mamaw & Papaw Hudson's.

...My Grandmother's Name was, Dorothy (Ohare) Hudson, and My Granfather's Name was, Coleman Hudson. They had 5 sons, Jerry, Larry, Carl, Terry, and Barry, and 3 daughters, Shirley, Phyllis, and Sandy.

... My Mom, seemed to drop off the face of the Earth.
We were abandoned for about 6 months I believe...And I can remember conversations at my grandparents, where things were being said, that "Nobody had any Idea what had happened to my mother"... because she hadn't been heard from for so long .....that for all they knew...Ronny had killed her, and threw her body into the Kalamazoo river.

....Can you imagine the impact that had on me emotionally at that age?

....My Sister and Brother claim to have no memory of this time in their lives. Delana was 4 years younger than me, and Jeffery was just a baby. I am 8 years older than him .

.....Some of my own memories are a little fuzzy also, as I am sure that the trauma of it all, caused me to block some of it out.
I remember being enrolled in the same school as my mothers younger brothers and sister. They were very close to my age. My Mom was only 16 when I was born, and their was 8 children in her family.

... Her brothers, Barry and Terry, were more like brothers to me, and Sandy was like an older sister to me.
As much as it pains me to admit it...there was also some sexual experimentation that went on with those three while we lived there.

... Most of my memories during that time were quite good, and I was happy to be there. I remember learning how to swim, and fish.
... We went camping in their truck camper, and fished alot.
My Mamaw And Papaw are very dear to me... even to this day. They were more like my Mom and Dad because they loved us kids, and had a big role in raising me.

...Papaw Hudson was a hard working factory man, who worked for years at Frigidaire. He also was An Old Regular Baptist Preacher, whose life and lifestyle had much to do with some of the better choices that I made later on in my life.

I am quite certain, the biggest reason, that our family survived... and eventually overcame all the evil that has befallen us, is largely due, to the prayers and promises that God made to my GrandFather, and my Grandmother.
... It seems to me... to be... very much like the covenant that God made with Abraham.

... That is, that God would bless his seed, and multiply his family.
... I cant even tell you for certain, how many Grandchildren, Great grandchildren, and great great Grandchildren they have?

Those Grandparents are still living as of this date today.

...I also remember, acting out quite a bit during that time we lived with them, and getting into a lot of fights with neighborhood boys.
.... Barry and Terry kind of egged it on, because I had gotten quite a reputation for being a tough Kid,... and quite handy with my fists.

....That was something that I had Ronny,... Mom's new man, to thank for,... because he wasn't going to have no sissy for a son, he said. Also. he got sick and tired of watching me, being chased home... crying, and beat up by the neighborhood bully's all the time .
...He was a tough guy himself,... with a reputation as a tough bar room brawler, and prior to the two of them running away together, he taught me how to stick up for myself.

.... He told me, that if I came running home crying anymore because I was allowing these tough guys and girls to beat on me...He said, if you don't fight back, then I'm gonna really give you something to cry about.....Trust me, when I say, "I got quite handy in the art of street fighting."
... I was not a bully, but if some one started in on me, I mopped the ground up with them, and it felt good to gain that respect.

....I had alot of anger inside me, and it served me well in my struggle to survive, especially later when Mom showed up out of the blue one day and whisked us away to Kalamazoo, Michigan. Her and Ronny as we called him had gotten married.

I suppose this is a good place to stop at this point and I'll try and pick back up from here in my next post.

I have to say though, that when I started with this I had no idea that I would wind up going into all this detail....I want so bad to quit talking about all of the negative things that transpired in my life and jump ahead to the things that happened a few years after I got married.....Soon my friends.....very soon....I hope!


Be Well AND Be Blessed In The Beloved

Michael