TESTIMONY continued - THE TRUE NEVER ENDING STORY

Monday 3:00PM
March 31, 2008

..............................FROM A BOY TO A MAN.............................

I CORINTHIANS 13:11
.................."When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things."

.....Maybe I should of thought about inserting a disclaimer a lot earlier in sharing my life story, realizing that if I was to be brutally honest, TRANSPARENT, in the telling that out of necessity....I may be bringing forth revelations that others would rather that I didn't???

.....Even yet, I must interject at this point, that I am in no way motivated by malicious intent, nor to bring harm or injury to those loved or otherwise, whose paths in life are inexorably intertwined with mine.

.....For some folk...the telling will be a happy occasion for they will be lauded as Hero's and others will feel scandalized as villains....After all we live in a culture that prefers to let "Sleeping Dogs" lie.

....Leave the "Skeletons" in the closet, for no one cares to gaze upon the " Raw Guts & Bloody Bones" of our shame and secret past.

....AFTER ALL, WASN'T IT JESUS,??? THAT DECLARED, " ....THE TRUTH SHALL SET US FREE..."

....So there will be no changing of the names to protect the innocent, as none of us are "INNOCENT!"

..."Let every man be a liar, but let god be true."... " Let you who is without sin, cast the first stone."
........"Why callest me thou Good?"... " There is none good, Save for our Father in Heaven." Jesus Himself said. And He lived a perfect, sin free life, no matter what the Heretical Davinci Code implies!
....Our righteousness is nothing but filthy rags...All of the hypocritical, self righteous piety that we can muster will never amount to anything more than a garbage can of bloody filthy disgusting used Sanitary Napkins....
... Bloody Kotex is the honest exegesis of that passage of sacred text!

Hate me if you must, or love me and forgive me if you will...If not, then sue me!!!
............At this junction of my life, and this portion of my journey, I am on a quest to once and for all be free of the demons that have haunted me to the point of my utter destruction, and no hurt or damage, that mortal man might inflict upon my person, will ever compare, or come close to the damage, that I have brought upon myself ...to the cause of my own ruination!!!

Shakespeare said it best I believe.....
............................."TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!"


How any child from our generation survived unscathed, or lived to adulthood, can only be attributed to DIVINE INTERVENTION!
I'm not sure when it was, on my journey... that I lost my INNOCENCE, and became a man, transitioning from being the victim, to becoming the victimizer.
It is also, equally difficult, to discern... if being the one, causes you to become the other.
... Many a criminal trial verdict, is decided upon the knowing of this very thing...Many a jury has been sorely vexed by this question????????

Again, I must say, that I'm not quite sure exactly when it was... that I lost my Innocence....Maybe, when I was at the young, and tender age of 3, when we were visiting my Mamaw & Papaw Bowling's... way back in the hollers of the Appalachian Mountains, Letcher County Kentucky.
My Grandmother's Name was, Alta (Caudill) Bowling, And My Grandfather's name was, Joseph Bowling,

...All of us youngin's had been bedded down together on a pallet of hand sewn quilts on the kitchen floor of this small modest house...Little more than a shack by today's standards.

........Anyways, They lived back in what was once a coal miners camp. That was one of my favorite childhood places to visit.

... Mamaw & Papaw Bowling, had 9 kids, and my daddy was the oldest, 6 boys and 3 girls. Oscar, Otis, Carl Eugene, Mansfield, James Alvin (Cotton), and Chester were the sons. Betty Joe, Loretta, and Vanderue were their Daughters. Loretta was my favorite aunt and she loved me very much, as I did her. She died tragically of brain cancer when she was 18 years old. It was my first experience with death, as well as I can remember,... and I just didn't understand why, my favorite Aunt, was lying in that pretty wooden box at the house, and all the grownups were crying and carrying on.

.... Getting back to my story, ...I remember that night as plain as day, as I well should. After going to bed on that floor surrounded by aunts, uncles, and cousins, most of us close to the same age, my 5 year old aunt performed oral sex on me and asked me to return the favor. I don't think I was traumatized by it, as I was not brutally forced.
... Actually, as sick as it may sound, I was quite excited, and in my recalling of it over the years, it felt as if it were a pleasant experience. Nothing more than curious innocence.
...It was only after I became an adult and reflected back on it that I am repulsed and horrified at the thought of it. It happened that one time and I actually never thought much more about it.
... How many memories do you retain as a 3 yr. old?

.....Maybe my innocence & childhood was lost between ages 6 thru 9 when I had a variety of different sexual experiences, again mostly with relatives on my mothers side, I especially remember some experiences with a 1st cousin, my Mothers oldest brothers Daughter, She called it playing house or doctor. She said she had watched her Mom & Dad through the bedroom door without them knowing about it.

...It again, was all fairly innocent, even though I had this very bad feeling, that what we was doing, was very naughty, and therefore, we had to make sure, that no one else knew about it, or we would be skinned alive, as they used to say.
... Belts and switches were the preferred methods of corporal punishment, back in the day.... with the very worst and most feared being the Razor Strop...Many a time we were threatened with it, but I don't ever recall it actually being used on me, or anyone else for that matter.
.....The mere mention of it was enough to cause you to near piss yourself.

....I do remember though, that Rita and I did finally get caught, or rather was seen by someone, who said, they seen us with our pants down, with each other.
... All that I remember happening at that age, was fondling, and maybe kissing.
... We were way too young, to know how to do actual intercourse, or penetration.
I can remember a very emotional talking too, I got, and then a severe spanking, with the admonition,... that Rita and I were never to be alone with each other ever again, And we were not....But Oh, How I loved that Girl!

That kind of thing happened on occasion, with some of the neighborhood girls, as well, over that period of three years... between age 6 - 9... and it was always childish curiosity.
... Never was it forced on me, nor did I force it on anyone else,...
....I can say, It helped me realize, how important it is... for us to be extra vigilant with our kids.
... How we, as much as possible,... should make sure, and supervise, and chaperon our children.
... I would never allow my girls, or boys to sleep with members of the opposite sex, even at a very young age.

.....Throughout my childhood, it seemed like there was an ongoing conspiracy... to steal my innocence from me... as I was being forced to grow up through incredibly rough circumstances,
... I'm going to run through,... a calamity of errors,... not unlike, "The Perils of Pauline"

....age 10 - My family is broken,... because my mother said, "She could no longer live with my Father,"... because of marital infidelity.
... She wanted a divorce, my Father did not. Actually, it turned into Several years of battles... back and forth, starting at age 6 or 7.

towards the end at about 10 years old my mother met another man for the second time.... The First man, was a guy named Stan,... whom, I vaguely remember, and he,... supposedly, is the Father of my little Brother Jeffery.
... Mom and Dad reconciled briefly after her pregnancy, and Daddy claimed, and accepted Jeff as his own... Oscar Bowling, My Real Dad, Gave Jeffery his last name.
I was not aware of this until much later in life.

.....The Second Mans name, was Ron Sorrell,... and I'll never forget the night that I was awakened, in the middle of the night,... to raised voices, and a lot of commotion in the living room. I got out of bed, and walked into one of the most traumatic scenes... of my young life.
... My Daddy, was holding a shotgun on Ronny, and my Mom.
Daddy was screaming for Ronny to leave the house, and for him to stay the hell away from his family,... or he was going to kill him...!

....I don't even remember how the situation was diffused... I supposed, that I've somehow blocked it out of my mind!... It was shortly after that.....My Mother, and Father, split up, and we moved to Dayton Ohio, with Ronny, into a small apartment,... in what I remember, to be a ghetto! Where I spent the worst... 3 or 4 months of my life up until that point.
...I started learning about, sneaking out the window, in the middle of the night, to run the streets... in a big, mean city, with a group of older boys... in a loosely formed gang.

Several things stick out in my mind... My Mother, and Ronny went out all the time, and we were left with a babysitter.
...It turned out, that our sitter was the neighborhood whore. And one night, the leader of this gang, in our neighborhood, came over,... and was pressing my babysitter for sex! ... When I stood up for her,... and tried to intervene,...
... He took a kitchen knife out of the drawer, and backed me into a corner, and convinced me... that he was going to kill me!

... I was terrified, crying and begging, for him not to kill me...My babysitter stepped in, and pacified him, by taking him in the bedroom... and giving him what he wanted...
...I'm sure, she saved my life, because he was being egged on... to do me... by several of his cohorts that were there that night as well.

.....I remember also, that for some reason, I didn't have shoes that fit me for almost a month, and there was so much broken glass everywhere in that neighborhood,... that my feet were a bloody mess.

... I don't really remember exactly, how it came about,... other than,.. I remember some of the adults, and families, that lived in our apartment building, began talking, and complaining about how my parents were neglecting us kids!
... and especially being upset over the condition of my feet, and not having any shoes to wear.

... They also, would talk about, how it wasn't right for them to leave us with babysitters all the time,... while they went out drinking, and running around.

....For the first time in my life... I was exposed to a lot of profanity, drinking and loud verbal arguments in our home.
... I had never been exposed to that kind of chaos in my life, and it was especially hard on me, because I felt like I needed to somehow protect my little sister and brother from all of this...But I was completely powerless to do so,

... and then I began to look for trouble myself, sneaking out at night, to run the streets with those boys in the neighborhood...The same ones that had earlier threatened my life.

.....I don't know for certain, but I suspect, that Mom and Ronny, began to come under some kind of scrutiny with the child welfare folks,... and that is how us Kids got dropped off at Mamaw & Papaw Hudson's.

...My Grandmother's Name was, Dorothy (Ohare) Hudson, and My Granfather's Name was, Coleman Hudson. They had 5 sons, Jerry, Larry, Carl, Terry, and Barry, and 3 daughters, Shirley, Phyllis, and Sandy.

... My Mom, seemed to drop off the face of the Earth.
We were abandoned for about 6 months I believe...And I can remember conversations at my grandparents, where things were being said, that "Nobody had any Idea what had happened to my mother"... because she hadn't been heard from for so long .....that for all they knew...Ronny had killed her, and threw her body into the Kalamazoo river.

....Can you imagine the impact that had on me emotionally at that age?

....My Sister and Brother claim to have no memory of this time in their lives. Delana was 4 years younger than me, and Jeffery was just a baby. I am 8 years older than him .

.....Some of my own memories are a little fuzzy also, as I am sure that the trauma of it all, caused me to block some of it out.
I remember being enrolled in the same school as my mothers younger brothers and sister. They were very close to my age. My Mom was only 16 when I was born, and their was 8 children in her family.

... Her brothers, Barry and Terry, were more like brothers to me, and Sandy was like an older sister to me.
As much as it pains me to admit it...there was also some sexual experimentation that went on with those three while we lived there.

... Most of my memories during that time were quite good, and I was happy to be there. I remember learning how to swim, and fish.
... We went camping in their truck camper, and fished alot.
My Mamaw And Papaw are very dear to me... even to this day. They were more like my Mom and Dad because they loved us kids, and had a big role in raising me.

...Papaw Hudson was a hard working factory man, who worked for years at Frigidaire. He also was An Old Regular Baptist Preacher, whose life and lifestyle had much to do with some of the better choices that I made later on in my life.

I am quite certain, the biggest reason, that our family survived... and eventually overcame all the evil that has befallen us, is largely due, to the prayers and promises that God made to my GrandFather, and my Grandmother.
... It seems to me... to be... very much like the covenant that God made with Abraham.

... That is, that God would bless his seed, and multiply his family.
... I cant even tell you for certain, how many Grandchildren, Great grandchildren, and great great Grandchildren they have?

Those Grandparents are still living as of this date today.

...I also remember, acting out quite a bit during that time we lived with them, and getting into a lot of fights with neighborhood boys.
.... Barry and Terry kind of egged it on, because I had gotten quite a reputation for being a tough Kid,... and quite handy with my fists.

....That was something that I had Ronny,... Mom's new man, to thank for,... because he wasn't going to have no sissy for a son, he said. Also. he got sick and tired of watching me, being chased home... crying, and beat up by the neighborhood bully's all the time .
...He was a tough guy himself,... with a reputation as a tough bar room brawler, and prior to the two of them running away together, he taught me how to stick up for myself.

.... He told me, that if I came running home crying anymore because I was allowing these tough guys and girls to beat on me...He said, if you don't fight back, then I'm gonna really give you something to cry about.....Trust me, when I say, "I got quite handy in the art of street fighting."
... I was not a bully, but if some one started in on me, I mopped the ground up with them, and it felt good to gain that respect.

....I had alot of anger inside me, and it served me well in my struggle to survive, especially later when Mom showed up out of the blue one day and whisked us away to Kalamazoo, Michigan. Her and Ronny as we called him had gotten married.

I suppose this is a good place to stop at this point and I'll try and pick back up from here in my next post.

I have to say though, that when I started with this I had no idea that I would wind up going into all this detail....I want so bad to quit talking about all of the negative things that transpired in my life and jump ahead to the things that happened a few years after I got married.....Soon my friends.....very soon....I hope!


Be Well AND Be Blessed In The Beloved

Michael