Depression....My Lifes Biggest "TRIBULATION!!!"

"DEPRESSION"!!!!!!! [:-(


Todays post is meant to give the reader some insight into the life mind, and heart of this writer....
It is my firm belief and conviction that God desires for us to be open, honest, and completely transparent in our speaking/writing and communications in this world.
This is an exercise in free will because the Father never forces his desires upon us.
WE HAVE A CHOICE.......WE HAVE TO CHOOSE!

So in choosing this transparent course and publishing it abroad on the world wide web....I do so with great fear....But I
...also do it with great faith and what I hope is an act of obedience.
A CARTHARTIC EXERCISE THAT I HOPE THAT GOD WILL USE TO HIS GLORY!
THE SIMPLE FACT OF THE MATTER IS.....IF ONE PERSON
READS THIS AND BENEFITS FROM IT....AND IF THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS ENHANCED AND FURTHERED, REGARDLESS OF THE CONSEQUENCES THAT MIGHT BEFALL ME AS A RESULT OF SUCH TRANSPARENCY...

"BUT SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS..."
"TAKE THEREFORE NO THOUGHT FOR THE MORROW, FOR THE MORROW SHALL TAKE THOUGHT FOR THE THINGS OF ITSELF."
"SUFFICIENT UNTO THE DAY IS THE EVIL THEREOF,"


.... The Bio info is just to give you the readers an understanding of my lifes experiences, so that you might come to know who I am...
I want to relate to you... as brief as I can,...My story... Our Story!
This is my attempt to reach out to other fellow travelers,
...as I wonder, ....if,... in this very fast paced, and busy world,
"If anybody is listening?" and ..."Does anybody, Human "CARE"???

My prayer is,... "That you, ...The Reader... will take the time to prayerfully consider what I am about to share, ...At the very least, Share this with someone you trust, that might be sensitive to whatever God might choose to use, to bring some healing, and wisdom, to the lives of the writer and reader, ...collectively.

"The great comfort that I have in sharing these things is,... That God Knows what we are in need of before we ever publish it amongst our brethren."

I feel it important to share with you something I experienced and then wrote last weekend as it appears that God gave me some kind of relief in my soul a week ago on Palm Sunday... and
This blog was birthed in my life, as a result of what transpired at that worship service...
in that tiny Inner city Church on the corner of Burr Oak & S.Rose St. in Kalamazoo.

"PRAISE BAPTIST CHURCH"
the mother of >>>>>
"ALPHA and OMEGA MINISTRIES
Sunday
March 16, 2008

I Have been fighting wth myself all morning over whether or not to go to Church Over at Praise Baptist this morning when I suddenly became keenly aware that I was not wrestling with flesh and blood...That is, that "The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds, and every high thing that exalts itself against the Knowledge of God."..... "WE WRESTLE NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD!"

I'm going to church.
It's 10:00AM and I have time for a quick shower get dressed and walk the 8 blocks over to the church that has been such an important part of my life many years ago.

"I OVERCAME him THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND THE WORD OF MY TESTIMONY!!!!"

Hallelujah!!
What a glorious worship experience!... On my way to church, as I was walking there,
I began to pray, that God, would somehow reveal himself to me...
in a new and very fresh way... He did!
And that was the first time, in a very long time...
That I had even made the effort to talk to my Heavenly Father... in earnest... one on one... prayerful communication! > My hardened heart was broken< >and I experienced a very real measure of healing <
as the big crocodile tears began to flow,
and fall off my face onto the floor!
When we began to sing and offer up praise and prayers.
"GOD" MET ME THERE, AND INHABITED THE PRAISES THAT WERE OFFERED UP TO HIM!
WITH PRAISE AND THANKSGIVING!
WE TRULY WORSHIPED HIM IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH !

"FOR THE FATHER SEEKETH THOSE WHO WORSHIP HIM TO WORSHIP HIM IN SPIRIT AND IN TRUTH!"

For the first time in approximately two months, I felts the shackles of severe clinical depression begin to fade and fall away.
For weeks and days that had melted into months... I have been cooped up in my cave of my bedroom, crippled, unable to function... on any kind of productive normal level.

All I do is sleep mostly, occasionally coming out to eat and go to the bathroom. Even a bath or shower, basic daily hygene is an almost unbearable chore.
Sometimes I read, but mostly I disapear mindlessly into the mind numbing fantasy land offered up on the modern day Idol of the television.
Ocasionally I'll get on the laptop and surf the internet or look at e-mails,
but even doing that is a painful exercise in futility.
Most of the time I dont have the energy to put forth the effort.

My biggest fear is that I am losing my grip on reality. I cant even organize this text in a logical fashion.
It is, however, somewhat therapeutic, putting down my thoughts and feelings.
The act of verbalizing them even on the typewritten page helps,
or seems to help to break the bondage of fear, shame, and guilt that the endless waste of days seems to cause my phsyche and spirit.

I'm no longer even sure to whom I am addressing this letter to.
My prayer is that it will fall into the hands of someone that will feel compelled,
or even Led of God's Holy Spirit to reach out to my wife Beth and I in a real and tangible way. And that we can begin to get back on the road to restoration and recovery.

That we can be useful once again in God's Kingdom work and also useful to our children and grandchildren, my mother Shirley, my brother Jeff, and My sister Delana.

I know, I feel God's call for me to be that shepherd first for my family To my wife and children and childrens children, and then to my extended family.
God has revealed to me that I am somehow supposed to be that Patriarch, that Shepherd, Pastor, friend and confidant...
Our family is fractured and hurting, crippled,
because everything is out of order... because I am not taking my place in that natural order that he established for us.

I guess what I am trying to say,
" I am now willing to at least be open to the possibility for me to step into that role if that is in fact His will for my life."
God knows that I have been stubbornly kicking against the pricks for quite sometime now, totally, selfishly, unwilling to even consider the possibility of ever answering that call.

Recently though, I have come to realize that responding properly to Gods call or his desire, plan or whatever we might want to call it....
is not the type of thing that brings us into bondage?
Rather, quite the opposite....Responding properly to God's call is exactly the type of thing that brings us freedom, joy, fulfillment, a sense of purpose, usefulness, a life that is worth living.

Rather than all this depair and hopelesnness, sense of failure.....I fear that I have been listening to the father of lies and deception for way too long now!
And today my heart and mind is full and overflowing with thoughts and feelings of excitement, possibilities, hundreds of ideas and yes even a desire to get back into this wonderful thing, this gift that God gave us...This life...A life worth living, a life well lived,... a life that is smack dab in the exact center of God's Perfect Will.

Wow!!!! As I proof read this text I realize how manic this all sounds and appears. All I do know for sure is that today I have felt the joy of my salvation, and that is something I have not experienced for a long time.

God reminded me today, while I was walking to church of a Psalm that we used to sing along time ago, in the early days of Praise Baptist Church and Alpha & Omega Ministries and I sang it on the way to church. This is my prayer as I begin this great journey of trying to find my way back to my homeland and the way back to my Father's House....

PSALM 51:10-12
"CREATE IN ME A CLEAN HEART, OH GOD, AND RENEW A RIGHT SPIRIT WITHIN ME!" CAST ME NOT AWAY, FROM THY PRESENCE, OH LORD! TAKE NOT THY HOLY SPIRIT FROM ME. RESTORE UNTO ME...THE JOY OF MY SALVATION, AND RENEW A RIGHT SPIRIT WITHIN ME!
SELAH

This is all that I have the energy to write for now. I'll try more later if the Lord Tarries.